The Tentacled Consultant

1.

Squidward had opened a consultancy, taking his Krusty Krab savings and flipping it into a forward-thinking digi-physical consultancy where the employees were, at least temporarily, contractors.

The office of Squidward's new consultancy, Zero Bones, was a bustling hub of activity, with his team of mermaids with sand-blasted American-denim scales, the poisonous puffer fish, and the human in the diving suit, Lawrence, all working hard to provide the best consulting services possible to their clients.

On days when Lawrence was in the office, the team would often break into two threads of conversation, one in English and one in Ancient Undersea, a language passed down to them by their parents. Lawrence often felt a little lonely on these days, as he was the only one who couldn't understand the Ancient Undersea conversation, but he never said anything about it.

One day, shortly after opening the consultancy, and having so far only worked with a handful of very small clients on even smaller projects, Squidward nervously approached Mr. Krabs with a proposition for free consulting services for the Krusty Krab. He knew that it was a bold move. He was staking his entire nest egg on the success of his new consultancy. But he was confident in his team's abilities, and he knew that a test case would be crucial for building their portfolio.

Mr. Krabs was initially resistant to Squidward's ideas, but the promise of free money was too tempting to pass up. He agreed to Squidward's terms, albeit grudgingly.

Squidward and his team set to work at the Krusty Krab. They suggested modernizing the dining room, printing dietary information on the menus, and changing the cashier's script to improve customer interactions. Mr. Krabs rejected all these ideas and more.

Determined to see his ideas through, Squidward took matters into his own hands and made the changes himself. He registered the Krusty Krab on online review and social media sites, updated the website, and made small changes to the layout of the dining room to improve the customer experience. He also revised the cashier script to be more pleasant and welcoming, using several variations of the greeting to make it seem like each customer was being treated specially.

Despite the cashier, a chumbrain yellow flounder named Daniel, having difficulty remembering all of the different variations of the script, the changes seemed to be working. Customer satisfaction was skyrocketing and food returns were down by nearly 50%. Sales had increased by 9% and costs had decreased by almost 10%.

Mr. Krabs was impressed by the results. He had to admit that the experiment was a success. Squidward allowed himself to dream of making it in the consulting business, but he knew that he couldn't get ahead of himself.

As the days went by, Zero Bones continued to thrive under Squidward's leadership. The mermaids with sand-blasted American-denim scales brought a fresh perspective and unique skills to the team, while the poisonous puffer fish protected the office from any unwanted intruders. The human in the diving suit, who worked remotely most of the time, brought a level of professionalism and expertise that was much needed. Together, they were able to take on more and more clients, offering their unique blend of creativity and business savvy to help businesses of all kinds succeed.

One day, Mr. Krabs approached Squidward with a proposition. He was so impressed with the success of Zero Bones, and the positive impact it had on the Krusty Krab, that he offered to invest in the company.

Squidward insisted on maintaining full control of the business, and Mr. Krabs countered that he was offering to purchase a 10% share, giving him very little creative control but allowing him to review the books from time to time to ensure everything was kosher. Squidward, though rankled at the mere suggestion that he would do anything dishonest, ultimately agreed to the deal, and they shook on it, tentacle in claw.

2.

Several months later, with the company growing faster than he had ever imagined or hoped for, Squidward found himself on the verge of pitching his biggest client yet, Kelp Corporation, an Undersea Railroad Conglomerate with more money than King Trident himself. Despite his initial reluctance to take on such a huge project, he knew that he had a team of talented and dedicated employees counting on him.

So, with a deep breath, Squidward walked into the office door, stood at the edge of the oval table, and began his pitch to Kelp Corporation. "Of course, the battle is fought where the enemy is not," he began.

Later that night, Squidward lay in bed, going over the conversation he'd had with Mr. Krabs about the pitch meeting. The meeting had gone about as well as it could have, with the Kelp Corporation executives being receptive to his toolkit of unorthodox strategies and tactics. They had asked serious, operational questions.

But Squidward knew that there was no way to predict the outcome of the pitch. He had no way of reading the minds of the executives, who held the company's fate, as well as his, Squidward's, in their hands. And no matter how hard he tried, he couldn't fall asleep.

Finally, Squidward got out of bed and opened his bedroom window. He lit a cigarette and exhaled out the open window, trying to calm his nerves. He knew that he was prone to getting like this sometimes, irritable, unable to sleep, when he allowed himself to hope for something.

As he stood there, gazing out at the night, Squidward knew he had to let go of his anxiety. He took one last drag on his cigarette and stubbed it out.