The Art of Emotional Vampirism: SpongeBob and the Corruption of Squidward

1.

SpongeBob SquarePants had always loved working at the Krusty Krab, but lately, something had been off about his coworker, Squidward. The normally grumpy octopus had stopped talking about the novels he loved to read and discuss with others, stopped his name-dropping, and his smooth jazz clarinet-playing, and all the charming little habits and quirks that made up the magic that was Squidward. SpongeBob couldn't shake the feeling that something wasn't right.

One night, as he was closing up the restaurant, SpongeBob overheard a conversation between Mr. Krabs and a group of old crabs who were visiting the Krusty Krab. They were discussing an ancient and elaborate form of magical emotional and psychological vampirism that had been passed down through oral tradition alone through the Krabs lineage since time immemorial. As SpongeBob listened in horror, he realized that this was what Mr. Krabs had been doing to Squidward. He had been keeping him close and sucking the energy out of him in order to fuel the Krusty Krab.

SpongeBob knew he had to do something to stop it. But as he tried to confront Mr. Krabs, he found himself powerless against the old crab's dark magic. SpongeBob was trapped, a prisoner in his own restaurant.

2.

As the days passed, SpongeBob watched in horror as Mr. Krabs drained the life force from Squidward, leaving the once-great artist a shell of his former self. SpongeBob knew he had to escape and find a way to stop Mr. Krabs before it was too late.

One night, SpongeBob finally saw his chance. Mr. Krabs had fallen into a deep sleep, and SpongeBob knew it was now or never. He gathered all of his strength and made a break for it, racing through the streets of Bikini Bottom as the old spirits roamed the earth, searching for their true names.

SpongeBob ran. He was being followed. Every time he turned around, he was met with the glowing eyes of Mr. Krabs, stalking him through the darkness. But SpongeBob was determined to escape, and he finally managed to reach the safety of his pineapple home.

Breathless and shaking, SpongeBob collapsed onto his bed, trying to make sense of everything that had happened. As he lay there, he was confronted by the ghost of an old, disavowed member of the Krabs lineage, glowing and semi-transparent. The ghost explained to SpongeBob how he could stop Mr. Krabs, for there was only one counter-magic strong enough to fight the magic of the Great Krabs line of spellcasters, and that was the power that came from the loving feelings we have for our friends but suppress in order to prioritize our friendships above our own needs. The ghost told SpongeBob that this power could be concentrated and condensed and then released with the utterance of a single magical phrase: "Cancrisus Morsephus," The ghost said. "If you do it right, Young Sponge Man, a bright beam, the color of lavender flowers in the light of the sun, will emanate from your heart toward the deranged crab menace whose plans you seek to thwart."

As SpongeBob listened to the ghost's words, he knew what he had to do. He gathered all of his strength and set out to confront Mr. Krabs once and for all.

The battle between SpongeBob and Mr. Krabs was brutal and terrifying. SpongeBob could feel the power of Mr. Krabs's dark magic coursing through his veins as he fought with all his might, dodging blasts of energy and delivering powerful blows. Mr. Krabs seemed almost indestructible, but SpongeBob refused to give up. He remembered the words of the old spirits, calling out to him from the shadows, telling him that he had the power to change his fate.

As the battle raged on, SpongeBob could feel the weight of his decisions bearing down on him. He knew that he had to make a choice, and that whatever he decided would have far-reaching consequences. But in the end, he knew there was only one thing he could do. He had to trust in the power of love and friendship, and hope that it would be enough to save his friends.

As SpongeBob gathered all of his love and friendship and released it in a bright beam of lavender light, the power of the old spirits flowed through him, and he knew that he had the strength to face his greatest challenge yet. He fought with all his might, using every ounce of his courage and determination to push back against Mr. Krabs's dark magic.

But despite his best efforts, SpongeBob found himself badly injured, his body battered and bruised. Mr. Krabs seemed to be getting stronger and stronger, and SpongeBob knew that he couldn't hold on much longer. With a burst of energy, he summoned all of his power and released it in a final, explosive attack that sent Mr. Krabs flying through the air.

As Mr. Krabs lay there, defeated, SpongeBob collapsed to the ground, his strength completely spent. He knew that he had won the battle, but at what cost? As he looked around at the destruction he had caused, SpongeBob couldn't help but feel a sense of sadness and loss. He had been forced to make the hardest decision of his life, and he knew that he would never be the same again.

3.

SpongeBob stood slowly and then rushed to Squidward's side, relieved to see that he was finally free from Mr. Krabs's dark magic. Squidward looked at SpongeBob with a newfound sense of purpose and determination, and together, they vowed to bring down the evil Krabs clan once and for all.

But just as they were celebrating their victory, SpongeBob received a message from a group of old spirits, warning him that Squidward, now returned to full power and left to his own devices, had a list of other Bikini Bottom residents he intended to enact an elaborate and horrific form of revenge on, a revenge that would seem to last an eternity, punishment for original sin. SpongeBob knew that he had to stop Squidward before it was too late.

The final showdown between SpongeBob and Squidward was a battle of wits and words, as the two of them engaged in a graduate-level dialogue about the nature of good and evil, and the righteousness of punishing the wicked, and elevating the humble. SpongeBob, a heroic deontologist, argued that it was the duty of the good to protect the innocent, no matter the cost, while Squidward, a remarkably capable consequentialist, argued that the end always justified the means, and that the power to bend reality to his own will through the use of precise language was a power that should be wielded without hesitation.

As they fought, SpongeBob could feel his anger and frustration growing, as Squidward's words seemed to cut him to the core. He couldn't believe that his friend, whom he had always thought of as kind and good-hearted, could be capable of such cold, calculating logic. But as the fight went on, SpongeBob began to realize that he was not just fighting against Squidward, but against his own ego, which had been bruised and humiliated by Squidward's superior use of rhetorical logic.

In a fit of rage, SpongeBob launched himself at Squidward, delivering a series of brutal, gruesome blows that left his friend lying on the ground, gasping for breath.

As he stood over Squidward's lifeless body, SpongeBob realized the monster he truly was, yet another Cain in the long line of Cains his family had produced. He had killed his friend, not for the evil he planned to commit, but in dedication to his own ego, which Squidward had shamed and humiliated.

As SpongeBob stood there over his dead friend, he was confronted by the ghost of an old, disavowed member of the Krab lineage, glowing and semi-transparent. The ghost looked down at SpongeBob with a sad expression and said, "You have done what you had to do, Young Sponge Man. You have saved your friends, and you have saved the world from an unimaginable darkness. But at what cost? You have become a new version of yourself, one that is stronger than you once were, but who also holds a lingering sadness that will never abate, never diminish. You have become a savior, but also a broken man, carrying the weight of your actions for all your life. But that is the burden of being a hero. It is a burden that you will carry with you until the moment of your death many decades forth."

SpongeBob was hailed as a hero by the town, who heard whispers of his trials and triumphs from Ms. Squirrel and Mr. Star, and these whispers were re-whispered until everyone knew. And they all gathered to welcome SpongeBob into their hearts, and he broke down in their presence, sobbed in an ugly and uncontrolled manner, cried as if he were alone in the shower, snot running down his face, eyes red, a feeling akin to retching, and everyone believed they knew how great the sponge's loss, but no one could ever know. That just wasn't possible, now, was it?

4.

Some years later, as SpongeBob wandered every inch of the world Undersea, alone, he asked himself the same question on repeat for a personal eternity: "Why me?" He inhabited both the light and the dark, the warm and the cold, seeking the answer to this question that had plagued him since he was a child. And as he grew older, he came to realize that it was not his blood that was bad, but the weight of his actions, the burden of being a hero. He had killed two of his most important friends in a matter of hours, and the matrix of his life had been disturbed, shaken. Things had fallen out of place, and a life that had once made sense to him now seemed utterly without context – it was pure content. His mind was overloaded with everything new about the world rushing in at once. On the verge of panicking, tears streaming down his face, SpongeBob accepted that he had become a new version of himself, one that was stronger than he once was, but one who also held a lingering sadness that would never abate, never diminish, a sadness that would be his only friend, from this moment forward, until the moment of his death many decades forth.